A light in the Dark
by TheGothamGezette
Summary: Catri is a medic with the resistance, while out on a mission she sacrifices herself to the hands of the first order to help her childhood friend escape. While being tortured and interrogated Kylo Ren finds her mind fascinating and decides to keep her around, but she doesn't understand his intentions. Will she ever escape his evil clutches, will she ever want to? (Kylo/OC)
1. Chapter 1

"Who are you?" I heard my voice as if it was spoken by someone else. It was calm and confident, but I didn't feel calm or confident. The restraints binding me chafed and the blind fold covering my eyes was true to its job, not the smallest essence of light could pass. I felt vulnerable.

The was no immediate answer as I heard someone circling me slowly. "I am the master of the knights of ren, supreme leader over this great army and a master of the force" a deep dark voice responded.

"Kylo ren" my voice faltered as I pronounced the name. The name that holds the galaxy hostage, with fear and pain.

"yes" he said as the footsteps ended in front of me, "what is your name?"

If his voice wasn't so dark and commanding the question could almost sound casual, "Catri" I answered.

How I came to be in this tight spot was a somewhat complicated and convoluted story; in which I did something stupid and idiotic for someone I love, but I'd do it again. I can't imagine that Kylo ren would understand why I did it, very few people in the universe would. Because love is a concept that has been stamped out in most places now. Since the first order rose to power, fear and hate are all people know, but love, that is what I cling to, it is behind everything the resistance believes in. And I am with the resistance.

I'd die for love; I endure torture for love. And I resign myself to my fate now by the hands of kylo ren knowing that those I love are safe.

"you are a sentimental Catri" he commented as I realised, he was a lot closer to me than I thought, his hand rose to my cheek when I realised, he was inside my head.

"you think yourself a matre" he continued, I focused my mind trying to push him out but he was too strong "you are no matre, your loved ones will die and your sacrifice will be for nothing I can promise you that"

"the more harm you cause" I say through the strain of fighting the force trying to pry into my mind "the more the resistance will grow against you Kylo Ren, you are sowing the seeds of your own destruction"

His hand lowered in response to my words and he chuckled "there is no power, no army greater than the legions I hold in my power"

"I don't believe that" I state, trying to gauge where in the room my capture was, there was nothing I could do to defend myself, but I thought at least knowing where he was, would give me some comfort. I could at least prepare myself for any blow or attack I had coming.

"tell me about the boy, the pilot in your head, you love him, correct?" I will admit the question baffled me, I had not realised how inside my thoughts he had gotten, and I certainly wasn't expecting such a personal question during this interrogation. Bennar was the boy he was referring to. But he was not a boy, in fact he was three years my senior and I was just 22.

"you tell me, you're the one poking around in my mind"

"I think you are fond of him, since childhood you have loved him yet he never seemed to notice." Rens words rung true but I did my best conceal that "you joined the resistance together?"

"yes" I respond reluctantly "why are you doing this? What do you want from me? The location of the rebel alliance? Forget it, I will give you nothing!" I demanded

Kylo ren chuckled again, "I can take anything I want" he uttered as if it was that simple, I feel his hand graze my cheek again, the gesture freezes me momentarily "but It's more fun this way, more interesting, I see a spark in you Catri for a mere medic you have a warriors heart"

Silence rang throughout the place, he removed his hand again "so the pilot" he continued "it was for him you sacrificed your freedom, why? When he didn't love you back"

I scoff "I Don't expect you to understand" I simply state, clearly this answer displeased Ren as I felt a cold grip enclose my throat and breathing become more laboured and strained.

"try me" me said leaving his hand in place for a moment longer and then released me suddenly "why did you stay and he retreat?"

"the ship was badly damaged" I answered "someone had to manually release the escape pod, his job was more important than mine so I insisted he go" I managed through exasperated breaths, his touch had left my struggling to catch my breath.

In my mind I saw his face as the escape pod detached and he floated away, I pressed my hand against the ships window as tears flowed down my cheeks, I watched him drift further and further away from me. I thought about how I may never see is short ebony hair again, he always had a boyish scruffy look about him as he couldn't keep his locks neat, nor did he ever try really.

"I see this moment pains you" Rens voice brought me back to reality, I had forgotten how easily he could penetrate the surface memories and thoughts of the mind. "what was his job that was so important?"

I didn't answer and did my best to close my mind, by now I'm sure he'd be back at base but I didn't want to risk him being intercepted If they knew what our mission really was. "he's a fighter pilot" I state simply "I'm just a 'mere medic' as you so eloquently put it"

Ren pondered the answer for a moment, he clearly wasn't satisfied with it, maybe he could tell I was concealing something. "and what was your purpose on that ship? It was not a fighter ship, it barely had adequate defences or decent weaponry"

"supply run" my answer was perhaps to rushed, to revised, and he probably saw through it "medical supplies, we took an inconspicuous ship so we'd be less likely to be targeted"

"and how did that work out for you?" I could hear the grimace in his voice. I didn't respond knowingly yet my head did lower in disappointment.

There were few people in the universe who had seen Kylo ren, yet alone had such convocations with him as this, yet I thought as I was reminded of the blindfold. I couldn't see his features, or read his expression, once again I was reminded of how vulnerable I was in this position.

There was a moment silence again I heard his footsteps retreat away from me, not far, but at least now he wasn't so close. "why do you keep me blind?" I enquired.

"why are you so ready to meet death?" he ignored my question completely "i can see it in your mind, you are resigned to a fate that has not yet been wholly decided. Do you not fear death?"

"your skill in mind penetration are not so good as I have heard then" I state "or maybe to just can't understand the thoughts of someone so different to yourself"

"explain yourself Catri and be brief, I have little patience for those who insult my abilities" a stern response met my remark, it was the first time I had heard his now unhinged voice with anger even behind the mechanical distortion that was evident in everything he said, I suspected this was the result of the helmet he wore. But I well knew the reputation of his short temper.

"I fear death" once again I spoke In another's voice, someone more confident then I truly felt "I'm terrified of dying, but not has terrified as I am of living in a world of pain, an existence where those I love are dead and I did nothing to stop it; you see I am not a matre. My reasons for welcoming my own demise are entirely selfish, I cannot bare an existence in the world you have created"

Ren didn't speak for some time; it must have been five minutes before he made another sound. I could not see what he was doing but I imagined that he was mulling my answer over. Yet I could not inspire words to leave my own lips either, I suspected the use of the force had something to do with this, Kylo Ren wanted silence, and he got it.

Eventually however he cleared his throat "I must attend to other matters now" he stated in a more uniform monotonous voice, it was not lined with the curiosity he had present before "I shall return when your fate has been decided"

He didn't remove the blindfold or say anything else. He simply left, I heard doors on the far side of the room open, then close.

I was left with nothing to do but contemplate my own demise and linger on the thoughts I had supressed in Kylo Rens presence.

Over and over again I pictured the last image I had of Bennar, his deep golden coloured eyes filled with tears from the other side of the glass, him handsome face drained with worry. And the echo of his last words "I fill find you again, I promise Cat, I will find you"

All these circumstances would lead some people to assume there was a deep connection between the two of use, which there was, love was shared on both parts, but off the many types of love that exist in human hearts ours were polar opposites.

I was in love with him, it had been growing for years, a deep love for a man who was my hero, my best friend. He loved me also, but as platonic as one loves a sibling. I had been his companion since childhood and where my feelings towards him had grown and developed, his feelings towards me had not. A reality I had accepted a long time ago in the hope that by accepting it the situation would become easier, I was wrong.

My thoughts then moved to my own fate. I could see only two ways this situation may end for me. One way was most likely, that I would be killed, it seemed almost certain. The other way, highly unlikely, in fact it was nearly impossible, that I would be rescued. I tried not to dwell on the second notion for too long as I didn't want to trick myself into getting my hopes up.

I do not know how long I was left alone for. It was long enough for me to fall asleep, yet I suspect I was not a sleep for very long as when I woke, I did not feel rested. The restraints that kept me strapped almost vertically began to hurt more and I grew weary of the darkness my blind fold imparted.

I found after while it was easier to slip into romantic notions, day dreams in which I would see around the cell; which I imagined to be a plain room with no windows, it was probably metal or some similar material but in shape and size not to different from the cells we had at the rebel base.

In this day dream I was retrained as I am now but instead of damp and blood-stained clothes that tell of my last battle on board my own ship, I was wearing crisp clean white clothing, it was a simple and practical ensemble just like the ones we wore on my home planet.

I would not be restrained long as the door to the cell would open, and in Bennar came, wielding a blaster, fighting of the enemy until he released me of the restraints and took me in his arms.

I had gotten quite carried away with the picture of Bennar about to kiss me when a voice drew me back to the cell I actually inhabited "how tragic" it spoke. I realised immediately I hadn't heard Kylo Ren enter and he had easily slipped into my mind. "you revere this man as your hero, but he just doesn't seem to get it"

"if I tell you all about my tragic infatuation with Bennar will you remove this damned blindfold, I grow wary of the darkness" my outburst made him chuckle; though i had not intended it to be funny. "i suppose no harm would come from removing it now" he stated and quickly I heard his footsteps about me and the cloth removed to reveal a brightly lit room. so bright in fact it took a moment for my eyes to adjust.

A dark figure stood in contrast to the white floor and walls of the cell, as it came more and more in focus, I saw for the first time my capture, Kylo Ren. His black robes matched his black helmet which was focused only on my face now. Though I couldn't see his eyes I suspected he was studying my eyes now they had been fresh revealed to him, "are you more comfortable now?"

"not really" I fidgeted in the straps that were digging into my wrists and arms more and more.

"good" the mechanical voice rang

"you said you would return when my fate has been decided" I finally spoke when I pulled my attention away from the features of his mask to the light sable dangling dangerously by his side, it was unignited but his gloved hand hovered over it absently "so what is my fate?"

He formulated his answer as carefully as he could. I had the impression he was working hard to maintain the upper hand in our discourse, but he was allowing me more freedom in my questioning then I had expected. "general Hux would have me kill you" he said finally, searching my eyes intently to gauge my reaction, I gave him none.

"who is General Hux to decide my fate?" I enquired

He held his hands behind his back and strolled over to the opposite wall facing me where he leaned casually, "my sentiments exactly" he surprised me "I am the supreme leader and I believe you still have valuable information for us"

"then why aren't you torturing me, surely you know I would not give you anything willingly" I asked quickly, this whole not knowing thing was getting very draining.

"for someone in a position such as you are, you are awfully keen to be tortured" he chuckled "if you insist, I shall comply"

I swallowed hard. I thought I could with stand torture, but of a dark sith? I had no idea what such torture entailed. What sort of pain would he cause? What sort of methods would he employ?

He read my thoughts then and approached me "I will try to penetrate your mind and read those thoughts you even now try to conceal from me" he stated running a gloved hand down my cheek almost gently "and you will try to resist me. Eventually your mind will be so exhausted from the strain of resisting the force that you will open up to me and from your defeated mind I will pull all of the information I want." he spoke in my ear now, his dark commanding voice sending shivers down my spine "this kind of extraction is not as easy and painless as the power to extract your surface level thoughts as I have been doing, it will be long and painful, and the more you resist the more I will push" there was a hint of pleasure in his voice as he explained this to me, he was looking forward to causing me such distress.

With deep breathes I steadied my thoughts "you do not scare me; I will not give you what you want willingly"

"very well" i did not look at him but I could hear the satisfaction in his words, he knew I would say this but enjoyed describing what he was about to do to me greatly. He pressed a button on the side of object to which I was strapped and I moved, before I knew it, I was looking at the ceiling and he was stood over me.

He was savouring every moment I could tell "I was hoping you'd resist" he commented as he removed his gloves. He rested his hands on my head so that his thumbs touched my temple. He closed his eyes and tuck a deep breath. Then the pain started, I don't remember screaming but I know I did. It was like no pain you have ever felt, like my blood was boiling in my head as the force pushed its way in.

It rushed around my brain in an unnatural way I could barely breath the pain was so intense. But In my mind, I repeated 'don't let him in! Don't let him in!' my thoughts went to Bennar as a reminder of what I was protecting, my cause.

My inner monologue however was no longer just my own, his voice rang in my head along with my own thoughts 'I will take what I want' it said and each word hurt like a drop of acid being poured into my ears that travelled slowly, destructivly down to by brain. Reluctantly I started to think through the pain, a frozen image crossed over my mind; princess leia and two generals stood opposite myself and Bennar; this was the day we received our mission. Before he could bring the memory to life, I refocused my energy, I would not let him see, I would not endanger the rebellion. He would not use me to destroy the people I love "NO!" I screamed at last and as I pushed the sound out of my body, I pushed him out as well.

He stumbled back and made a guttural sound, pure anger made audible. The experience drained me, I was panting and sweating "how did you do that!" he demanded was out of my view now I heard kicking and thrashing against the wall. He drew His light sabre which he promptly brought down dangerously close to my neck. The rumours said he had a temper. I had no trouble believing this.

I was scared to breath its rugged, chaotic, blade was so close to my skin I could feel its heat. I was afraid that the very action of taking a breath, moving my chest, would bring me pain.

I stared at it for a moment before Ren appeared to regain control of his fury and brought the lightsabre up. I breathed deeply with relief.

That was the closest to death I had ever been, but I did it. I resisted the power of the force.


	2. Chapter 2

He said nothing after he withdrew the lightsabre. He didn't reutter his question, he didn't even step back into my limited view. He was clearly still battling with his anger.

Then he left.

As quickly as it had started, it was now over. Exhaustion washed over me, the struggle had caught up with me, I slept.

I dreamt.

_My home planet was a desert planet on the edge of a galaxy even the first order didn't care enough about to invade properly. I had not seen this place since I left to join the rebellion. But now in my slumber I was stood looking out over the emptiness, in reality the vast space was never this empty near my home. It was a trade route so there were always people coming and going transporting goods and technology. But I'm alone here now. And it was silent, so silent not even my footsteps made a sound as I moved about the familiar terrain._

_I walk the familiar path towards my childhood home, a part of me felt like the girl that left this place 4 years ago but now I had changed I thought as I look down at my clothes. The same blood stained and broken threads that adorned me in my waking hours strapped to a table and tortured. _

_I turn into a valley, where giant rock formations met red sand. The sun was high, I recalled how when the sun was this high it used to heat the sand which would burn my feet. I must have forgotten how that felt in the years Since departing this place, as now I felt nothing now in my dream._

_My home was nestled between two large cliffs, my parents ran a shelter for passing tradesman. for a few credits a night, or whatever they had to trade of value, they would be watered and fed and had a safe place to store their goods until morning. _

_When I wasn't out exploring the surrounding cliffs with __Bennar__, I would help them clean the spare rooms and prepare meals on days when there was a lot of people passing through. I now stood at a distance examining the house when I heard fast footsteps behind me. "ben?" I turned quickly, smiling I hoped to see him again, as I did in my waking dreams. _

_But it wasn't ben. The mask was laid at my feet. __Kylo_ _Rens_ _mask, I hesitatingly picked it up. Footsteps sounded again in the distance, I followed. _

_I didn't see anyone as I trekked up the stone, I knew this place like the back of my hand. If I continued this way I would come to the cliff and the illusive owner of the footsteps would have nowhere to go. And as I suspected the edge of the cliff approached and a dark figure was stood with his back to me staring out over the distance. "ben?" I asked again still holding on to hope that is was __Bennar__, we used to meet here sometimes. _

_But the stranger didn't turn instead a mechanical familiar voice sounded from the helmet which I had forgotten I was holding "don't call me that!" It demanded; anger lined its tone. I dropped the helmet and stumbled back. This wasn't a dream I realised; this was a nightmare. _

_That was __Kylo_ _Ren._

My eyes Shot open, and I gasped for breath. I was vertical again, clearly, I had been moved whilst I slept. I expected to find Ren in front of me, as he had just placed himself in my dream, so I expected him to be in the room. But he wasn't.

Instead there was a stormtrooper holding a tray with a glass of green liquid on it. It didn't look pleasant. As he placed the glass to my lips he instructed "drink"

I kept my lips tight shut. Whatever that the thick green substance was it didn't look like something I should be putting into my body, especially coming from the enemy. The trooper sounded jaded when he next spoke "it's a nutritious food substitute" he explained. "if you don't drink it your body will give into exhaustion" Reluctantly I opened my mouth; he wasn't going to leave until I did.

I hated to admit that as the liquid entered my mouth it tasted foul and its smell was not much more pleasant, but my stomach was thankful, I had no idea how long it had been since I had eaten. When the glass was empty, he left, and I was alone again with nothing to do but dwell on the dream.

Closing my eyes, I pictured the dark figured again "don't call me that!" the threat rang in my ears, perhaps distorted by a hazy memory or perhaps because it made me feel better, this time it didn't ring in his distorted mechanical way. It sounded human, softer, even more of a plea.

I sighed and opened my eyes again; I knew I had no hope of escaping this place alive if I didn't come up with some sort of a plan. Then planning seemed pointless when all Kylo Ren had to do was look into my mind and reveal any schemes I could concoct.

He was close before, closer than I was comfortable with. A few moments longer in my mind and he would have found out the real objective of our mission. Or as much of it as I was privy to. I wondered if he could extract information whilst I slept, is that why he was in my dream so vividly.

The idea worried me.

What if he had already gotten the information he needed. What if that was why he wasn't hear? He was away snubbing out the last of the rebellion and its allies right now? I shuddered, I couldn't even conceive of the idea without a heavy weight placing itself on my heart and making me want to scream and cry in sadness and anger all at the same time.

No, I thought, I will not accept that yet, I don't even know it has happened. This is all conjecture.

I had not been left alone for so long in my imprisonment yet. After a while my brain could find no more thoughts to occupy itself with that wouldn't pain me to think of, so I studied the wall in front of me in more detail than anyone should ever have to study a wall in. I got bored. So bored in fact that an unaccountable amount of time later when the door finely opened and the masked figure of Kylo Ren finally entered again, there was a small part off me that was glad for his company.

He examined me for a moment, it was like a competition, who would break the silence first. My mind reluctantly returned to the memory of the last time he was near me, the pain it had caused. Then as if I wasn't in control anymore, as my mouth had been taken over by a braver, stronger Catri, I asked a question "why do you where that mask?"

I prepared myself for the harsh response that I was sure to receive for asking such a blunt question. Why would tell me when its clearly meant to hide what lies underneath. A terrible disfigurement perhaps? Or an alternate identity that he wished to conceal? Or maybe, it occurred to me, he just thought it instilled more fear in those he supressed. He wasn't wrong on the latter point.

"there is no horrible disfigurement" he responded having clearly read my mind again, "not that you can see anyway" he added. "as for concealing another identity, it has this effect to some, but you will never know me by that name nor relate my features to that person" he continued "and lastly yes it does have the advantage of looking menacing to my enemy's"

I wasn't expecting such a straight forward answer, I had no follow-up questions prepared. So, we fell into silence again as he continued to examine me. "do you want to know what will happen to you now?" his voice sounded cold as he circled me holding his hand behind his back in a menacing way.

"that depends" my voice was shaking, "will you be a man and tell me to my face or will you hide behind the mask forever" I forced the last sentence out, after that dream, when I first saw him enter the room, I had a sudden urge to know what lay beneath that mask. How did the voice sound, how did the eyes wonder, when he examined me was it with a stern gaze or a curious one? I had no way of knowing with the visor so dark and impenetrable.

He stopped in front of me "I do not hide from you Catri" he stated "but I will humour you as I am not afraid for you to see my face; soon you will fear it though when I have taken what I want from you what I want and broken your mind and body" he conceded with a threat. His gloved hands raised to either side of the black sleek material and it clicked, the front part that covered his mouth lifted giving him the room to pull if up and off his head. Revealing the man beneath.

I stared at his features intently, and confused, I almost expected the young features to start morphing into something grotesque and evil. But they didn't. He was young, though I suspected not as young as myself, but still so young to wield such power and harbour such hate as I saw in his deep dark, but enticing eyes.

His face was pale and looked soft but for a scar that ran down its right side marring an otherwise unmarked landscape. I was surprised he didn't have more marks, more scars, when I thought of how many battles he must have seen. I did not try to hide my examination of the scar and he didn't stop me from looking at it. I followed it down below his eye to his cheek, then my eyes found a full set of lips, posed in a serious and stern way.

He was examining my reaction, trying to guess my thoughts, as I noticed in this moment, he daren't read them. "do you find all of my features accounted for? Do I meet your expectation?" his lips turned up slightly into a smirk, his voice was deep, demanding, and I thought scarier than the voice of his mask, because it revealed a man barely in control of his anger, though he seemed calm now, inside he was anything but.

"no" I retorted "you miss burning red eyes and a set of horns"

"even after you have seen my face you still think I'm some sort of grotesque monster" he affirmed,

"if would take more than a deep pair of eyes to convince me otherwise" I stated "I know the things you have done Kylo Ren, your infamy cannot be muted by a human exterior."

"it is not the things I have done you should be worried about" his hand shot up and squeezed the air in front of him, the motion corresponded to tighten the force around my throat, I struggled gasping but receiving no oxygen, "it is what I'm yet to do you should concern yourself with!"

Black spots plagued my vision as my oxygen starved brain struggled to hold on "what was your mission?" he demanded again,

"medical supplies" I choked barely above a whisper

"LIAR!" he shouted and the pressure on my throat increased "leia doesn't oversee simple supply runs herself" he added. The lack of oxygen was becoming a real issue now as my eye lids started to shake and threaten to close. I was reminded of the frozen scene he had seen in my mind, the day we received our mission. "what was your mission?" he demanded again this time with a sharpness that implied his temper was near the end of its patience.

But now I couldn't speak if I wanted to, everything was fading, I was drifting further and further out of my body and mind. I was dying. The room was fading in and out of focus, one moment Ren was standing in front of me the next I was on that cliff again as my mind plummeted into the unconsciousness. The world went black.

I didn't dream this time, perhaps because I wasn't a sleep merely knocked unconscious by oxygen starvation. But I also observed as I floated back into my body and my eyes began to flicker, he hadn't killed me.

"why do you protect them?" he asked when he had noticed I was coming too. He had taken a seat opposite me where it seemed he had sat and waited for me to come around in a leisurely manner.

My mind was active before I could construct words, they are my family I thought to myself, he can't understand family and love, the resistance is one family fighting for one cause. The right cause. A true cause.

"family?" he chuckled at my thoughts "they are not your family; they are an army who care about you as much as I care about one of those faceless troopers out there." he stated pointing to the door.

"your wrong" I finally managed though my throat was burning and dry.

"really?" he sounded less amused now, "well where is your 'family' now then" he stood up and crossed the room so his eyes were boring into my so intensely I wish I could close my own lids and look away but he wouldn't let me, his gaze held mine "surely your beloved Bennar has returned to base by now? Yet they haven't tried to rescue you, my scouts tell me they haven't even tried to find your ship!" he chuckled "you need to let them go Catri" his voice was grave, "you need to look after yourself"

Tears threatened to break my strong façade as I recalled the words Bennar had said "I fill find you again, I promise Cat, I will find you" I believed in Bennar, he would keep true to his word.

Kylo Chuckled, I blushed, embarrassed as he read my mind and saw such a tender moment amongst our heated debate. Then suddenly his look grew angrier, more unhinged, "I hope he does try and rescue you" he states darkly, the tone in which he spoke send a cold shiver through me "because I will stop him and i will kill him, and you will watch"

I opened my mouth to retort but no sound left, his words had emptied all fight from my mind for now. As for the first time I saw the evil that lurks under that face. Seen the horns on his head as clearly as day, he may not be grotesque, but he was a monster..


	3. Chapter 3

Receiving a mission from leia herself was an honour I thought as I assembled my uniform neatly about me and looked at myself one last time in the mirror. Though I had spoken with her before it was never formal, not like this, medics very rarely go out into the field but she wanted me to.

I smiled at my reflection. I looked good in the cleanest, most well iron uniform I could find. Most of my medical uniforms were either stained permanently with blood and other unpleasant things or torn from over use. Finally, I noticed the clock, it was time.

When I entered the room Bennar was already there, he was deep in discussion with leia and three generals but that convocation went dead when they noticed my entrance. "Catri" leia smiled and they all walked towards me, as I understood it, I was to be briefed on a mission that ben and I would be undertaking, though I had a feeling ben already new much more than they were about to tell me. He's a soldier and decent fighter pilot, so all the dangerous parts were down to him and I simply didn't need to know.

"you will be going to Lord Astin" one of the generals explained, it became very clear then why I was going on this mission and not anyone else "you are the best person to convince the man to re-join the fight" he nodded, I didn't need to say anything, I understood what I needed to do.

"we need allies now more than ever Catri" leia added "and Astins army would nearly double our ranks"

"i will do my best" I state, I see ben Smiling at my bravery in my periphery. "but he lost his son, these things take their toll" I added. I didn't want to give false hope, the assumption was correct that Astin would listen to me, after all iT was I who spent hours fighting for his son's life, but I knew how hard the man had taken the loss, pulling out of the rebellion completely.

"I understand" leia looked distant and sad for a moment but then her attention was torn back to room "whatever happens" she looked from me to Bennar now "you must not be discovered, if the first order find our we are recruiting allies again they will double their efforts to find us, and we cannot afford to be found right now."

Ben nodded respectfully "you can trust us" he said, and just like that the briefing was over, Ben and I left the room to go change into some casual clothes that would conceal our purpose.

"I'm guessing you have some secret side mission I'm not allowed to know about?" I said when we arrived at the door to my room, he shrugged, he wouldn't tell me if he did "is it dangerous?"

His eyes met mine and I conveyed the worry I always felt when he left for missions "I can't tell you, but I will drop you at Astins and should be back to collect you a few days later"

I nodded, I wished I could tell him how I felt, what he meant to me. I wished I could express the depths my despair would reach if he didn't return from his mission. But as he smiled down at me, his usually friendly smile, he patted my arm. "see you by the ship in ten?"

"yeah" I agreed and he left.

Had I known that day that our mission was doomed to fail in a matter of hours I would have told Ben everything about how I felt and how I had always felt, because now, days later weak from torture and lack of substantial food, there was a part of me that accepted I may never see him again. But still I wouldn't change it. If Ben was caught, he had more secrets to hide, perhaps they wouldn't have never kept him alive for as long as they have me. Kylo Ren certainly seemed to grow a quicker temper and bitter when he noticed Ben cross my mind.

"how long will you keep this up?" Ren sounded exasperated when he entered the next day. I thought be must be growing tiered or bored of the games he seems to take so much pleasure in playing with me.

"are you not having a good time?" the sarcasm dripped from my mouth, he gave me a stern look but didn't react, he sighed as he took him place in front of me again and raised his hand towards me, the familiar painful sensation rose as he tried to enter the deepest thoughts of my mind. The ones I had been locking away.

"you are weak catri" I heard him say through the pain pulsating around my brain "if you resist for much longer you may not survive" I heard his warning, I didn't care, if he got what he wanted he would kill me anyway. Rather die knowing those I loved are safe.

This time he didn't wait for me to push him out, he put his hand down with a blazing look in his eye and the pain subsided. My eyes followed him as he paced "believe it or not I don't want to kill you Catri, give me what I want and I will let you live"

The outburst stunned me. Why didn't he want me dead? Was I not a big enough threat? I don't know why but somehow; I felt a little insulted. The fire burning in his eyes hadn't subsided "you'll let me live, then what? Life in a cell aboard a first order ship? Slavery? I don't want to live at your mercy"

He threw the chair across the room, it narrowly missed where I was tied "LET THEM GO!" he shouted, I froze, it was an unhinged shout, a passionate but furious shout. Then he stopped moving and took a few deep breathes "let them die" his voice was barely above a whisper. "save yourself"

"never" was my reply. He regained his composure, and looked at me again, his eyes boring into mine "very well, you have until tomorrow to reconsider, if you still resist, I will extract the memory even if it kills you" he almost looked burdened to say it.

He turned to leave but before he could reach the door I asked "why don't you want me to die?"

He didn't turn around but he did stop and say "because I see potential in you Catri, I am not so much a monster that I would destroy something that one day could be considered a master piece" he left, I wouldn't have known what to say to that if he hadn't left. There was nothing I could do now then wonder what potential he saw.

"where are you taking me!" I demand as two stormtroopers enter the cell and free me from my restraints. I struggled to stand at first, it had been so long since I had used my legs, they had gone numb and stiff. One of the troopers held me until I was sturdy enough to stand on my own.

"lord Ren wants to see you" was the best response I was going to get, at least they didn't say 'you executioner was waiting'. For the first time in days they pulled me from the cell and began manoeuvring me harshly across the ship.

After some time of uncomfortable dragging threw the ship they stop at a door, it doesn't look like the door to some grand executioner's chamber, it's just a door. They pressed a button and waited, though there grip still firmly placed on my arms I was standing independently now, but it was taking a lot of my remaining strength.

The door opened revealing the rooms inhabitant, Kylo Ren. Adorned in hood and helmet he made for a striking image, having never stood on my own two feet in his presence I had never noticed how tall he actually was, he towered over me. He stepped aside silently ushering me inside the room, I complied for lack of better options. "wait out here" he instructed the troopers and stepped into the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

For the first time we were alone and I wasn't bound or blindfolded. I examined my surroundings, it was a dark room, and simple, just a bed, small closet and a few other basic furnishings, then a partition that I glanced to see held a small wash room and lounge.

On a table in the corner I gasped as I observed the melted and disfigured helmet of darth vader. An enemy before my time yet I knew the mask well even in its mangled state. Behind me I heard the distinct click of Rens own mask as he removed it and placed it down on a side.

There was silence as he walked around me, surveying the state that his methods had left me in. "have you thought about your choice?" he asked.

"I will not waver" I answered, he looked disappointed.

"you don't understand, if you just let them go, let your past go, you could be great"

I glanced away from his deep brown eyes to the table in the corner "how can you ask me to do something that you cannot do yourself" his gaze found the black mess of a mask that resided there and he sighed

Bennars face flashed through my mind again, the tears in his eyes as he left me on that doomed ship, it reminded me to be strong, it reminded me why I was doing this. I didn't care that ren was almost certainly reading my mind.

"he won't love you" Kylo back away from me and looked out his window, I hardly noticed it was there, it was so dark outside it that it blended with the rest of the lifeless room. "he will always see you in the same way, but I won't, I would love you as much as you would learn to love me"

I thought he couldn't shock me, but he did. He was willing to give me what Ben couldn't, but I knew it was just a ploy to get what he wanted "you wouldn't love me, you would only love what you'd made me into" I countered trying to show as little surprise in my voice as I could.

"but you would feel fulfilled, your life would have purpose. Something to strive towards other than following your unrequited love like a lost puppy and patching up cuts and bruises of traitors" he was approaching me now, he was closer than he had ever been, with a gloved hand he whipped a tear from my cheek, I hadn't even registered it had fell I was so caught up in his movements and words. "your mind fascinates me" he whispered in my ear, for the first time explaining why he was so interested in Bennar and my feelings towards him "to be so frustrated and resentful of your own feelings yet never express it, never let that rage inside you control your actions even when faced with a painful and futile end"

I had no response to this. No words to justify the way I felt. Non that he would understand anyway. "I may not be able to read minds" I began "but I know your heart is not as dark as you say. I don't think that you wear that mask to induce fear or even hide your identity Ben Solo, I think you wear it to hide the moments of light in your eyes, the moments of sympathy and love" he stepped away abruptly, I had touched a nerve. "you don't want people to see the conflict in your eyes"

"what do you know!" the familiar rage sparked in his features, with a flick on his arm I was sent flying back against the wall where he held me using the force. "I am a master of the dark side!" he exclaimed, "and your life is at my mercy"

"you say you will kill me and yet you have not done it yet, were it three days ago you could have extracted that memory, but your scared that once you know, there is no going back. You will have to destroy the resistance and your own mother!" I let spite line my words. I was angry, angrier than I had ever been, not because he restrained me against the wall or threatened my life, but because he had a chance and he would throw it away.

My statement left this room in silence, he didn't look at me, he was taking deep breaths trying to control himself. Then his hand raised again and I felt it, the familiar pain of the force trying to penetrate my mind. Once again, I resisted, but this time I was weaker, it was harder.

This was it, I thought, as the my headed pounded in excruciating pain, the end for me. I had told myself over and over again that I was ready, that I wanted to die for my cause. But now I face death head on I realised, I wasn't ready. Too late to turn back, a voice reminded me as he dug up the image, he had been successful in finding last time, me and Ben with Leia and the generals. I pushed harder; he didn't budge this time.

"we need allies now more than ever Catri" leias words rang "and Astins army would nearly double our ranks"

More tears burned my cheek. He was seeing it all, the mission, the secrecy of Ben second mission. He was pulling it all out with ease.

Then it stopped.

I fell to the floor and observed someone had interrupted Rens concentration, "this better be good!" he used the force to knock one of the two storm troopers over where they had entered the room.

"an intruder lord ren, a resistance pilot" the remaining trooper explained "we don't know where he is but he's somewhere in the base"

A noise erupted from Ren that was pure rage. "you!" he pointed to the trooper now stumbling to his feet, "stay here with the girl. You!" He pointed to the other "with me!" he existed swiftly without a glance in my direction.

An Alarm sounded in the distance and I guessed every soldier on the base was now searching for the intruder. I smiled despite my tragic situation in a weak mess on the floor, Ben had come for me, the resistance cared about me.

With great effort I sat up, the trooper trained his blaster on me, "don't move!" he instructed. I realised I had an opportunity here, I may not be a soldier, but one trooper can't be that hard to take down.

"help me to the bed" I instruct he didn't move "if ren returns and I'm unconscious from the pain of my injuries against the metal floor do you think he will be happy?" the trooper thought it over for a moment then stepped towards me lowering his blaster to his side.

I took deep breathes aiming to steady myself and push through the pain that spread through my entire body. I had one chance, one chance to get back to ben and get out of this mess. I swore to myself I would bite the bullet and tell the truth to him if I got out of this alive.

The trooper lowered himself to my side and grabbed my arm, I feigned leaning on him for support and we moved a few steps before he really let his guard down and I pulled suddenly away grabbing his blaster as I went and shooting him in the leg. I had aimed for the chest but the trooper was immobile so the leg would do.

Moments later I was ducking through the halls using the alarms to mask my footsteps, clutching the blaster to my chest and completely ignoring the voice in my head that was telling me you had no idea how to fight, but I didn't have to fight I told myself, I just had to hide and find Ben.


	4. Chapter 4

The base was like a maze, every turn I took was more uncertain then the last. I listened intently, or as best I could above the racket of the alarms that rang through every corridor, I took their continual sound to mean they hadn't caught him yet, it brought relief.

Before long I turned a corner to find two troopers unconscious on the floor, I was close, I thought, and noticed the corridor in which I found myself was lined with doors, cell doors. I had managed to find my way back to the detention area. Footsteps indicated a troop ahead, I ducked into the nearest cell being careful not to let the door slide shut completely behind me, holding the button on the panel that said hold when it was less than an inch font shutting.

I held my breath, they passed. I let a moment pass to make sure they had cleared to corridor before opening the door and stepping out.

"cat" a whispered voice down the corridor turned my attention, my eyes found Ben and my heart leaped. I could cry at the sight as I started to finally entertain the idea that I could survive, I could make it out of this.

His hair was dishevelled mess as he began crossing the hall towards me, his face lit with a relieved and friendly smile. "Ben!" I breathed; I had never been so happy to see him in my life. I crossed to meet him in the middle. But neither of us made it.

Our hands out stretched we so close we were nearly touching, I'm going to escape, I thought. For the first time in days I felt hope. I could almost feel the comforting warmth of his skin, my mind rested as he said my name in his familiar tone.

Then A great force knocked us both back, catapulting us back to opposite ends of the corridor, Kylo Ren stepped out into view.

He waved a hand, the alarms ceased. The storm troopers descended. My bid for freedom ended.

"CAT!" I heard bens shouting as he was surrounded, I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than watch as they lifted him up and brought him to Ren. Forcing him to kneel before him.

"what should we do with him lord ren?" one of the troopers asked. The masked man looked from me to Ben and back again whilst deciding his prisoners' fate. I looked to where his eyes would be, silently pleading with him.

"lock him away, I will interrogate him shortly" Kylo Rens mechanical voice instructed. He then turned to me.

"no-no! ben!" my thrashing and struggling became more desperate as he bent down and seized my arm in a vice like grip then pulled me to my feet "let go!" I demanded; I wasn't looking at Ren but kept my eyes fixed on the door Ben had just disappeared through.

Ren said nothing as he dragged me away, I struggled against him, he didn't employ the force to keep me still. Perhaps he was enjoying his victory to much and this was all part of the experience. He returned me to the room I had escaped from, his room, and threw me onto the floor we entered, I was too weak to resist. To defeated to try and pick myself up again.

The storm trooper I had injured was still writhing on the floor in pain, clutching his leg. Ren said nothing as he pointed his hand at him and twisted it, snapping the trooper's neck and then with the force expelling him from the room.

I would have been less nervous if he spoke, but he didn't, and with the mask covering his features I could not read them. I had tried to escape; I had proved my mind was et still out of his controll. I imagine if I could see his face it would look livid, and his next actions confirmed it. He pulled out his light sabre and got to work destroying the cabinet, the bed, anything it came into contact with really, all in a furious rage.

I sank back, I tried to make myself as small of possible, as unnoticeable as possible. Eventually he stopped however, when he had done sufficient damage, and he turned to me "I promised that if he ever tried to rescue you, I would kill him and you would watch, I will keep that promise." the words reverberated threw me, numbing as they went.

He was so angry I dared not test him now. Dared not retort.

"but first, I will go and get from him the information you would so blindly die for!" he stormed from the room and the silence that ensued was like a hurricane had just ended, leaving in its wake a mess. I looked around the room as I shakily got to my feet, nothing had escaped his outburst except the table where his shrine to Vader lay. I ventured over to the door, but the panel read locked, he had locked me in from the outside.

With a frustrated moan I punched the door, I hadn't enough energy to punch it hard my any means. I just didn't know what else to do.

In my mind it played out over and over again, in slow motion I could see ben running towards me, I felt the small amount of hope again, I thought I might actually make it. But no, Kylo Ren ended all hope for me. A rage burned inside as I thought of the man in the mask. He was not human; he was a monster.

But what about the man under the mask? A voice in my conscience questioned. Was he a monster as well? My initial thoughts were yes, he was as bad if not worse, but deep down I remembered the look of curiosity in his eyes as he asked me almost philosophical questions, his defeated sigh when I declared he could not let go of the past. Monsters did not think and feel as he did. Still my rational mind was determined to hate him.

As I paced the room in a hopeless, useless way, he was torturing Bennar. My heart sank, he would kill Bennar. A tear creep down my face and I sank in defeat.

_I'm my mind I heard his voice, a distant memory of a boy playing chase with a girl on a steep rock face "Cattie" he used to affectionately call me, "don't climb to high" his voice was young and pure and innocent. _

_"__you won't catch me" a laugh escaped my lips recalling the memory._

_The rock face was steep and though I had scaled it a thousand times I lost my footing and fell some distance to the ground. Ben climbed down as quickly as he could and came to my side, I had cut my leg, he removed his sash and tied it round the bleed without hesitation. _

_"__are you okay?" his boyish eyes check me over, looking for anything else wrong. _

_"__no, I'm fine ben" I said sitting up and examined at the height from which I had fallen. I was lucky I escape with just a gash on my leg, it stung but I barely noticed. Ben was here and he never let anything bad happen to me._

_"__here" he put himself under my shoulder and aided me to my feet. "let's get you home"_

_"__I love you, ben" I said and we went on our way. It was the first time I had never said that to him and really meant it. Because it was the first time, I realised that I did love him and not just as a childhood companion. It was an innocent love, that would forever remain unspoken._

The opening door knocked me free of my reminiscence, it wasn't ren, I thanked the force. It was a trooper. He was holding a tray again containing a glass that was filled this green liquid. Clearly kylo had decided I wasn't to die after all, if he was feeding me again. The trooper looked around for a moment but found nowhere to place the tray, ren had destroyed all the surfaces. he shrugged and then he approached me, placing the glass in front of where I was now huddled on the floor.

I threw it at the wall on the other side of the room, splashing its contents, and terrible smell throughout the room. I wanted nothing from them, I'd rather die of starvation then submit to life as a prisoner here.

I had never been a soldier, I had never wanted to taste war, but in that moment, I wanted to fight! Fight for the resistance, fight for myself, and I wanted to see Kylo ren dead. I had never had such malicious and dark thoughts as this. But this was a malicious and dark place.

"such anger" his mechanical voice rang, I looked up and saw him leaning against the door frame, "bring another" he instructed the trooper who nodded silently and hurried away. When the door closed Ren removed his helmet. I looked away, I didn't want to look into those deep eyes anymore, I didn't want to see confliction or curiosity, I wanted him to remain the monster I had been hunting in my mind.

"his mind told me everything" he said casually as he picked up a chair that had managed to escape complete mutilation and took a seat in front of me. I didn't respond "he didn't have the strength to resist me as you did"

I said nothing. To react would be to feed his curiosity, to give him what he wanted. "so, Leia is recruiting allies" he remarked "you were going to the Licore district to see lord astin"

"Go to hell!" I spat the words with as much venom as my energy could muster.

He got off the chair to kneel infant of my crumpled form. With his gloved hand he raised my chin forcing my eyes to look into his, "he loved another" he spoke almost gently "I saw it in his mind"

I felt a tear run but with his other hand he caught it before it could reach my cheek "she begged him not to risk his life to save you, she begged him to let someone else go" I didnt know if this made me feel better or not, he still came even though his beloved begged him not to. "he told her that you are his sister in every way but blood" my heart sank at the next remark.

"Why did he never tell me off her?" my voice was barely above a whisper, it was the best I could muster.

He didn't answer my question but I knew he wasnt lying, i could see the truth off it in his eyes, he removed his hand when the door opened behind him and stood up straight, the trooper had returned with another glass.

Kylo took the glass and placed it in front of me, I stared at the thick green liquid blankly, I didn't have the rage anymore to throw it. "drink" he said, "regain your strength you will be needing it. The pilot dies in the morning"


	5. Chapter 5

I was left alone again for a while, the destroyed room seemed to disappear around me as I sat staring at the drink. I had a choice to make. Either I drank, and lived. Or I thought against the hunger, and eventually died. Like Bennar Would in the morning.

There was lots of movement outside, something was going on, but I didn't notice it. I just sat and stared at the drink. What does Kylo Ren want from me now? I thought, he's gotten everything he wanted. And taken everything from me in the process.

I am not so vein as to think I am special, or different, there is nothing unique about me. So why did he put the glass in front of me and instruct me to drink. When it would be so much easier to just let me die. Heck why didn't he just kill me.

My mind began to reluctantly wonder, I thought about Bennars kind golden eyes, in contrast to Kylo ren's deep dark eyes that bore into me with such an unwarranted interest that I found myself questioning what it was he saw in me that was so fascinating.

Don't be silly, my rational thoughts sounded, he's probably just amusing himself, when he gets bored, you'll join Ben soon enough.

A tear stung my cheek... Ben... what could I do? How could I compete with a man who can snap a neck without touching it, how could I fight him? I couldn't. I told myself the truth, I can't fight him, but does that mean I have to give him what he wants with no reservations.

I pick the glass up and take a sip, I may not be able to fight him now, but I vowed, one day I will. And one day I will have my revenge for all of the wrongs that he has done me since my capture. I will fight him, resist him, in whatever way I can for now. But I will live. I resolved silently; I will survive.

When the morning came and the time came for me to leave the room, I was ready. He sent storm troopers to collect me. I walked as tall as I could manage, and held my head high as my confidence would allow.

Ren I'm sure would have looked suppressed if I could see his features. I entered the unfamiliar room without resistance for bindings. The room was large and dark, like the rest of the ship, only this one had a large floor to ceiling window that looked out over the galaxy. It would look beautiful if I was on any other ship. It almost looked as if there was no glass there at all and the room just opened up to space.

In the middle of the room was a long shiny black table surrounded my chairs. Ren was sat at the head of the table and the other chairs were occupied by men in uniform. All of which fell silent when I entered. I noticed only one seat that was not taken as ren stood up and pulled the chair to his right out for me to take a seat. It was almost a gentlemanly gesture.

"when did it become normal for prisoners to be uncuffed as they wonder around the ship" a man said in an outraged tone, he was a militant looking man with very fair, almost blonde, red hair. This expression was stern and his uniform denoted he was someone with power and respect, this must be general Hux, I thought.

The rest of the men around the table lowered their gaze when Hux spoke out and looked away. As if they didn't want to be associated with his words. They were clearly scared of Kylo Ren as much as the rest of the galaxy and they fear his reaction to this outburst.

"I will keep my prisoners however I see fit, general Hux" was all Kylo said as he took his seat again. "besides, for the purpose of this execution she is not a prisoner, she is our guest of honour" he added, there was low chuckle from around the room, I noticed Hux didn't even crack a smile but the rest of the table took Rens words as an amusing joke, which I didn't doubt they were intended to be so.

I tried my best to keep my breathing steady when he referred to the gathering as an 'execution'. He would be looking for any sign of weakness. No one seemed to know what to say when it fell silent again, Kylo Ren's mask didn't turn away from me as he studied me meticulously.

A storm trooper entered a few moments later, but this was like no storm trooper I had ever seen. Its uniform was silver constructed entirely out of salvaged chromium and it wore a cloak, I realised this must be captain Phasma. I had heard stories about her, well rumours mostly, about the leader of the storm troopers.

"what news captain" Hux addressed her, "I trust the mission was successful"

"yes general" her voice was human but she spoke like a robot, no emotion or sympathy "the Licore district fell overnight, Astin is dead" I couldn't stifle a gasp, everyone looked at me.

"good" Kylo Ren stated with a smug tone present even through the voice changer in his helmet. "that will send a clear message across the galaxy, anyone caught even accepting an envoy from the resistance will be punished."

"but they didn't!" I interject almost instinctively, "I never make it to lord Astins, he didn't want anything to do with the fight, he was innoce-"

"ENOUGH!" hux's voice boomed over mine, "lord ren, perhaps you should train your pet better before bringing it out in public"

Ren ignored the both of us, to hux's dismay "and the other mission?" he addressed Phasma again, I noticed Hux's annoyed look turn to outrage as ren mentioned this other mission, could it be, I thought, that general Hux, the supposed leader of this army didn't know about this second mission.

"as you suspected the resistance moved base after the pilot left, the location he revealed to you was abandoned when we arrive" I noticed Kylos fist tighten in supressed rage, this news didn't please him.

"could you track them?"

"No, my lord" she bowed her head "but their numbers are dwindling, it is only a matter of time before we find them and they will not have the military power to face us"

The words were meant to be some consolation to Ren but he clearly didn't see them so, "FIND THEM!" his voice was Sharp and he stood abruptly, the force rippled down the table knocking everyone back a few inches from the table. He placed both hands on the table, clearly trying to regain his composure, a few deep breaths later "is the prisoner ready?" he said in a more subdued voice, though it was clear he was still holding back his rage, I had never met anyone who could flip as easy as Kylo Ren did.

"yes, Supreme leader" one of the men answered from further down the table.

"good" he looked up and stood straighter, "today we will be demonstrating the ships new close-range lasers, they are particularly good at hitting moving objects"

He walked away from the table and towards the window, everyone stood and joined him, a couple of the men pulled my chair out and escorted me forward as well. "tell them to send the capsule out" he instructed and one of the men, an older one this time, produced a screen out of his pocket and pressed a few buttons.

My eyes looked out to the stars hoping I would see someone coming to save Bennar at the last moment. Even if it was his mysterious woman. Him alive and with someone else, is better than him dead. I thought, I became aware that ren had moved and was now behind me, so close his chest nearly met my back.

"no one is coming to save him" he said in a hushed tone so only I could hear him, I had forgotten for a moment how easily he could read my passing thoughts and the words drove shivers down my spine with intensity. There was shuffling and low murmurs from the crowed as a capsule came into view.

It was close enough to see its contents, Bennar, lay in the metal coffin with his eyes shut but colour still pecked his cheeks, he was alive. It started to float away from the ship. "now!" Rens mechanic voice boomed and made me jump as he spoke loudly so close behind me.

The next few moments played out as if they were in slow motion. A red laser shot from the side of the ship, before it even hit the capsule my legs buckled and I screamed.

Instead of falling to the floor Rens arm wrapped around my waist and kept me up right watching the laser fill the distance. I tried to look away. I couldn't do it; I could bear to watch. But a gloved hand tightened on my chin keeping my gaze forward.

I could have closed my eyes. I wish I had. Because when the beam met the metal capsule it immediately began to spark. I screamed bens name at the top of my lungs but my ears were mute to it, then the sparks were replaced by fragments of metal splitting off and shattering.

My only thought was that ben was in that capsule, Ben was in that capsule. I repeated it in my head as if that saying it again and again would stop the laser.

Only when the capsule exploded did Ren allow me the freedom of movement, it had only taken a moment for in my mind I had been watching it for hours. Instantly I return around and fell into Rens chest, barely able to contain my sobs, I couldn't explain why I did this. I guess he was the closes thing I could comfort myself with, and I really needed comfort in that moment. As I saw the metal exploding over and over again in my mind.

"take her away" He passed me to a storm trooper, his voice prudently emotionless, this display of a girl crying on his chest probably didn't look good to the other men.

I was led from the room eyes stinging with tears. It was over, ben was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

Two days passed in pure numbness. I was allowed to shower and had a change of clothes brought to Rens now repaired room, I drank the green drink every day and stared out of the window most of the waking hours, but I wasn't really looking. Rather I was replaying the scene in my mind, watching the capsule float out and explode over and over again.

Ren had the decency not to disturb me. By the time the second day ended, I was healthier than I had been in days, I smelt better, I had energy. But inside I was still screaming, still crying.

The replacement clothing was a black knee length dress, it seemed appropriate for my time of morning, but I knew I would be wearing black a lot from now on. Because that's the colour that runs through this place. Black walls, black floors and black hearts.

I relived memories in my mind, they only made my heart hurt more. I remembered the time Ben had helped me get home after I fell and hurt my leg, I remembered the time we strayed too far from home and were chased by wild minxatures, how much we had laughed about it after. These memories only deepened the hold that had formed inside me.

That evening when Kylo Ren did finally decide to face me, I didn't turn when he entered. I continued to stare out into the obis, but I knew it was him, I could feel his intrusive and distinctive gaze.

He didn't greet me, but I heard the sound of his helmet being removed so I knew he intended on staying for a while, "how long were you sad for after you killed your father?" I asked, surprised even myself with how confident the question was.

"I had no love for my father, so I wasn't sad" he answered

"I don't believe that" I comment but still I looked out the window

"I should remind you that it isn't you who has mind reading powers, you cannot look into my soul and read from it, emotions that simply do not exists" he moved around the room, coming closer to me. I finally turn to face him, for a moment I thought I saw sympathy when in his eyes when they met mine, but It couldn't have flickered for more than a second before being replaces with indifference.

A moment in silence passes, "I met your father once" I finally said "he managed to scrape his arm pretty bad in a fight, he said If I fixed him up wrong I'd hear about it" the recollection brought a smile across my lips, Hans solo was always known to be a peculiar sort of man, but very funny.

The smile soon disappeared; how could I smile so soon after- I didn't want to think about it. "I am not his son" Kylo commented sternly "please do not talk about him again"

Though he said please this didn't come across as me having any choice in the matter. So, silence reigned again, he didn't want to talk about what I wanted to talk about and he didn't raise a topic himself, so we stood in silence. I turned my attention back to the window.

Kylo walked away rummaging around the room, I had forgotten over the last two days this was actually his room. Only when I looked into the corner and saw the melted mask I was reminded, so I avoided doing this.

His footsteps disappear through the partition and I heard the door to the refresher open and close again. It was a strange thing to me that Kylo Ren was taking a shower. He was so formidable and larger than life, I never really thought about him doing anything as mundane as taking a shower.

It hadn't been made clear why I was being kept in this room, but Hux referring to me as Rens 'pet' other day painted a fairly disturbing picture. I shuddered to think about what ren was planning on doing with me. He hadn't eluded to anything yet, but I was sure he had something planned otherwise why am I not back in the cell or dead?

I turned around when I heard him re-enter but immediately regretted it. He emerged not fully dressed in black tunic and robes, as I was accustomed to seeing him in, but in a black towel wrapped snugly around his waist. His hair wet and pushed back, beads of water still dripping down his thick chest over the continuation of the scar that marred his facial features. I blushed, but I couldn't look away.

Ren gave a cocky little smile as he passed me and pulled a black top out and over his head. His version of lounge clothing loose-fitting black shirt and similarly soft and loose trousers. I scolded my mind for thinking for even a fraction of a second, that with his wet messy hair and casual attire he almost looked normal; attractive even.

Then I reminded myself of Ben. Kylo Ren may not have pressed the button, but he was still bens killer.

"what are you doing" I asked as he placed the inactive hilt of his lightsabre down on a cabinet in the corner and moved towards the bed.

"going to bed" his voice already sounded jaded with the argument that was about to ensue "before you say you're not sleeping in the same bed as me I will remind you this is my room and its either in bed with me or back in the cell; and I know you remember how comfortable your last stay in the cells was"

He put to bed the words before they had even left my mouth. I store daggers at him. "now get into bed Catri before I make you" his hand pointed to the mattress, I hesitated, he sighed "fine, if you want to do this the hard way" he raised his hand and I felt myself being lifted off the ground. I protested, he ignored me. He hovered me across the room until I was over the bed then abruptly dropped his hand and I crashed on the mattress with a small bounce.

"I hate you" resentment lined my voice, he just chuckled and got under the cover before waving his hand and the lights diminished. Now I found myself literally in bed with the enemy, I found myself thinking about what he could do to me right now, he had me in a position of complete vulnerability, against my own will I was reminded of the scene I had just witnessed, him in just a towel.

He rolled over and groaned "I've been on a mission for two days, I'm in no mood to do anything to you tonight, rest assured. But if you could stop thinking about me in a towel, I would appreciate it, it's very distracting and I'm trying to sleep"

"stay out of my head" was the only reply I could manage, luckily the light was turned off otherwise he would see how red my cheeks had just enflamed.

Despite my unfortunate bed fellow, I was able to sleep that night. For the first time since Bens death I dreamt.

_It was a dry day, which on my home planet meant dry heat. Because It never rained. One again I was wondering the rocks near my home, and once again it was so silent even my footsteps didn't make a sound. _

"_cattie" a childish voice echoed in the air, it was disembodied and loose, I couldn't discern which direction it had come from. _

"_ben" my own childish voice echoed back, coming from neither my lips nor my direction._

_Soon enough I found myself the top of the cliff again, before its tall edge I saw a metal box, big enough to fit a man. _

_Why do I always come back here? I thought, why this spot? I racked my brain, nothing significant had ever happened in this place, not that I could remember anyway. This place held very little sentiment to me, yes ben and I would meet up here sometimes, but there were a hundred other places we used to meet as well. So why here?_

_I approached the box, become very conscious that each step would bring me closer to looking inside the window and seeing it contents. It was a box big enough to fit a man in, which could only mean that inside must be a man. "ben" I exclaimed as I picked up my pace. It must be ben in there._

_I was a meter away, half a meter, just one more step. I gasped, it was a man, it was a pale man with dark hair and a distinctive scar running down the right side off his face. __Kylo_ _Ren._

_I stared at his features. He looked peaceful, restful. I had never seen such a gentle expression on his features. _

_Then his eyes opened. "I told you not to call me that!" _

My body bolted up in bed and I was gasping for breath. That look remained in my mind for a sometime, those piercing eyes.

Why had the dream caused such a reaction? It wasn't a nightmare, not really anyway, but I still didn't know what it meant. Why had his gaze shocked me awake so abruptly? I glanced over to my left, Ren still lay motionless. He slept.

It was an unusual thing to see him sleeping like this, his features marked non off the traits I had grown somewhat used to in my few interactions with him, no harsh lines or complicated stares. I examined him for a moment, I wondered if monsters could dream. What did he dream about?

I tore my eyes away, knowing that do dwell on the thoughts of Kylo Ren could be dangerous. Especially when he has a direct line to all my passing thoughts. I looked around the dimmed room, I could make out the features of the furniture and partition to the refresher. A shower, I thought, I should shower. I knew there was no going back to sleep now, so carefully I departed the bed, I didn't want to know what happened to people who woke the sleeping Ren.

I realised as I rummaged around for a towel, I had no more spare clothes, the dress I was wearing was spoiled by sweat from my intense dream. I had nothing to change into after the shower.

I came across a draw filled with black shirts, like the one that Kylo wore to bed. Shrugging I took one out, they were so long they would fit as well as a dress and I didn't really have another choice.

The shower felt good, as the hot water trickled down my body, I closed my eyes and embraced sensation. I think because I grew up on such a hot planet my body was accustomed to hotter temperatures. I could have my shower at near boiling and be just comfortable, this shower didn't go that hot but I had it on as high as it could go and still enjoyed it.

There was no mirror in the refresher, so I had to dry and comb my hair with my fingers blind in order to keep is tangle and frizz free. When I had finished drying, I put on the long top and excited. Ren was still in bed eyes tight shut, I wondered how often he slept like this, he said he had been on a mission for two days, I guessed he didn't get much time to sleep usually.

Then I saw it. Something that could change my fate, but make me question my very nature. It was nothing but a black mass in the darkness, Identifiable against the cabinet it rested on only by the change in texture.

I store at it for a moment, the hilt that with the click of one button turned into a deadly weapon. Then I looked over to ren, sound asleep. With just one action I could rid the first order of their leader and greatest weapon. But I'm a medic, I thought, my job is to save lives not end them.

If I ended his life, how many would I ultimately save? I thought. I'd surely be killed soon after but that didn't matter, if single-handedly give the resistance a fighting chance against the first order.

The small amount of light that entered through the window illuminated his face dimly, he looked peaceful. But it also reflected of the surface of his mask, I examined the item, and I remembered how it had scared me and tortured me. He and the mask were the same.

My fingers grasped around the hilt.


	7. Chapter 7

It all happened so quick. No sooner had I picked the lightsabre up and was examining it more closely when my finger brushed the button that ignited it. It came to life with great fury. Its harsh ragged lines undefined and unchecked. Not at all like the sleek, perfect ones I had seen held both by the Jedi and Sith. This light sabre was unlike any other, it was unique just like its master.

I drew a parallel in my mind from the unpredictable weapon to the unpredictable man. Never knowing where his mood would be from one moment to the next. But that was all about to end, I thought, as I turned to face the bed again.

I would be lying if I said my hands didn't shake under the burden of the weapon, I didn't even know if I could do what I had decided must be done.

Then The image of bens still, unconscious face crossed my hand, as he floated away towards his doom. At this man's hand.

My arms raised the weapon higher the closer I stepped, I told myself that it would be easy, that once it's done you would be free. But as my place grew nearer and nearer to his side of the bed, when I was close enough to do it; I hesitated.

You are not a murderer. The thought was as loud as an engine, it wasn't in my tone, it was in Bennars. It was right, my hands began to falter, I had never taken a life, I had only ever saved them.

Suddenly Kylo Rens eyes shot open. He saw me for a moment stood holding the light sabre above him. He must have been acting on instinct, his reactions were so fast. His hand shot up and the light sward flew from my grasp into his, he sat up as quick as a gun. His other hand raised and I was lifted and pushed with great force across the room and slammed against the wall behind me.

The force of the collision knocked the wind out of me as I crumpled to the floor gasping for breath. I tried to push myself up, but the force held me down, my head spun from hard knock it had taken against the metal walls. I could taste blood.

Though my head would not permit me to look anywhere but my hands, which were struggling to hold me up, I heard him approaching. The sound of the light sabre being extinguished relieved me but then I thought there are more painful ways he could kill you; the light sabre might be a mercy compared to what he actually has planned.

He knelt down and I felt the force finally lift from my head, he wanted me to look up at him in this vulnerable position. His hand grasped my chin and forced my gaze into his. I saw tiredness in his eyes still, but mainly anger, so much anger that I'm surprised he hadn't drove that light sabre threw my chest without hesitation.

"I tried doing this the nice way" he voices sounded oddly calm, collected actually less unhinged then many times I had heard him speak over the smallest annoyance, but now I tried to kill him, he was actually holding himself together pretty well. "I tried treating you fairly and kindly-"

"you killed my best friend! How is that fair or kind?" I interjected, I decided I was probably going to die anyway at least I would make myself clear and heard beforehand.

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T KILL YOU!" His voice boomed as he grabbed me by the throat again, this time picking me up off my feet and pinning me against the wall. "I decided I would give you a chance to redeem yourself. A chance to contribute to a cause much greater than yourself"

"you took me away from a cause greater than myself" I spat, then he really started applying the pressure to my throat.

His eyes bore into mine, watching the life slowly start to drain from then "no more nice guy!" he finally released me abruptly back onto the floor. This time, I force myself to stand, he was walking away from me back towards the bed, but stopped at the cabinet just before it.

"Nice guy?" I chuckled "when have you been a nice guy?" the words were shaky at best, but not from fear, shaking with anger, did he honestly think that he had been nice to me? "you have kept me here, neglecting to tell me what use I would have while you torture me. Even monsters don't play with their food so cruelly"

My words saw his paused his rummaging, my mind was a rage with regret, I wished I hadn't hesitated. "Next time you try to kill me" he responded actually turning to face me "at least have the respect not to change your mind at the last second, you must commit to your actions or not bother at all."

My eyes fell to his hands, he had found what he been rummaging for. Handcuffs. Electric ones.

Before my eyes could comprehend, they flew around my wrists, compelling my hands behind my back with unforgiving tightness. The angry line in Rens eyes had vanished now, replaced by darkness, and dark intention.

What do you want from me? I thought, knowing he was in my mind right now. He didn't respond but raised a hand and once again pulled me towards the bed without a single touch. "you are going to do the job I intended you for" his words were hollow, empty even, his hand started unbuttoning his own shirt. I fell into the bed arms crushed between myself and the mattress. I moaned in pain as the cuffs chafed my wrist.

"in order to secure my place and legacy, I must have an heir." he threw his shirt on the floor, revealing again his beautiful, but scarred chest. I froze still, it took a moment for his words to sink in, he would need an heir? I thought, what has that got to do wit-oh. It dawned like a blaster cannon to the chest "and you are going to give it to me" Suddenly I regretted consenting to change out of my modest mission clothes. As dirt and blood covered as they were, they were also modest and covering. Now in nothing but his shirt I felt exposed.

"no" I struggled to sit up in to a more favourable position on the bed, but it was difficult with my arms to tightly secured behind my back. "don't you have apprentices for that?" my voice was shaking and rash "there's always one sith lord and one apprentice" I recalled my father's teachings. "to continue your legacy"

Ren chuckled "I am no sith, I abhor the sith, I will use the dark side how I wish not how some ancient doctrine dictates"

My mind scrambled, how can I stop him? I repeated the question in my mind, I was armed only with my words and they didn't seem to be doing me much good. I thought for a moment about the confliction I had once spotted amongst the darkness in his eyes "ben" I began pleading "what your about to do is beyond the dark side, if you do this you may never be able to undo the price it will cost your soul"

A Sharp slap cross my cheek knocked me back down again so I was lay on the bed once more helpless. "do not call me that name!" anger flared in his gaze again, his eyes wondered down my lying form as my I breathed deeply trying to regain my senses after the hit. "you just don't understand" his hand delicately rested on my exposed thigh as he spoke in a quieter, gentler voice. "because you can't let your past die, I did, and I will never look back; I am truly free. You will learn to understand that in time."

"you are not free" a tear rolled down my face as I accepted the inevitable "you are in a prison of your own construction"

He didn't respond to my words with his mouth, but his hands defiantly started to trail up my thighs as he mounted the bed before me. I tried to make my body like stone. Hard and uncomfortable, but his touch was gentle, and my muscles relaxed against it, against my will.

His fingers found the hem of his shirt "I liked this shirt" he commented. I raised a brow, what did me mean liked? The answer came in one loud ripping sound as he did away with the shirt. I fidgeted nervously, "Catri" he has never said my name in so impassioned a way before. "your body responds to me so willingly; your mind just does not realise to whom it belongs yet"

"my body and mind belong to myself" I state, but even I couldn't hear the conviction in my voice, I was so busy focusing my attention on his hand that was feeling its way back down my chest, towards more delicate areas.

"you know you are wrong" his mouth lowered to my ear as his hand touched me, rubbing masterfully, sending heat and pleasure into me. "I knew the first moment I saw into that lost little head of yours, I knew you wanted somewhere to put all of that devotion that has been festering like a disease inside you for so long"

His fingers in their motions were coming dangerously close to the opening, soon he realised this as well. He pushed a kiss so deep on my lips it silenced any protests I might have as his finger delved into the now hot and moistening entrance. His kiss didn't stifle a moan however. I kicked myself for how this made me feel, how laboured my breath had become, as his slipped with fingers in and out never forgetting to rub my clit when it was near.

This is wrong. I told myself, this was so wrong. He killed Ben, I recited, he hurt you. But the removal of fingers drew my mind away from its ramblings. Why had he stopped? I looked down, Kylo Ren had freed himself of his trousers and now his hard length was preparing to go inside me.

"no!" I fidget, the effect of the pleasure he had caused me with his hands was starting to ware of and my right mind was returning at last.

"shh..." he placed a finger over my mouth "or I will gag you as well"

Tears began to stream down my cheeks, I felt guilty that I had enjoyed the first part and sure I would not enjoy the next. I had never been with a man in this way before, I was given to understand the first time was uncomfortable, painful even, and I knew ren would not go easy on me.

His hand found its way back down to my clit. It started to feel good again. Then he began.

I awoke the next day uncuffed and once again next to Kylo Ren in bed, only we were both naked. My cheeks enflamed as the memories of the last night flooded back into my mind. I resent how he made me enjoy it, I hated how easily my hatred turned to lust.

For the first time since I had bored this vessel light flooded through the window, I squinted in confusion and stood up. I scooped the shirt we had disregarded last night in to my arms and at least covered my front with it. This was the best I could do as it was no longer fit for purpose as a shirt.

I approached the window to see what the source of the light was. It was a planet; we were orbiting a planet close enough for it to reflect light on board. I had never seen the place so bright and illuminated, it made the place actually feel less dank and depressing for once.

Ren stirred not long after myself. I had a suspicion he was awake the entire time but want to see where my mind was before he made it known. He approached the window as well and stood next me, I turned to move away, he stopped me.

With a swift motion he tugged the remnants of the shirt away from my front where I was clutching it forcefully. He placed a hand over my lower abdomen and concentrated for a moment, I felt the force radiate through me before he drew his hand away, "we were unsuccessfully" he sighed "we will try again later" his voice was neutral, betraying no happiness or disappointment of either side. He didn't say another word as he began to change back into the Kylo Ren the Galaxy feared, black tunic, gloves, helmet and all.

I watched from the bed in silence as he changed, clutching the black sheet against my chest feeling defeated. "so, this is it?" I finally spoke up when I noticed he was ready to leave "I am to be your prisoner until I have produced a child for you?"

I had forgotten the coldness of his mechanical voice, it made me wince when he first spoke through the mask his response "no, you will be my prisoner even after you have given me a child" was his simple response, before he pressed the pad on the side of the door and left.

That day when the storm trooper arrived with a tray of the disgusting green drink I stood up and greeted him, he seemed shocked "what is that planet?" I pointed to the window. I had acquired another one of rens shirts in the hours since he departed and it bolstered my confidence from the shame I had been feeling this morning.

I had resolved that this planet was my best chance of escape. There may be life on it, but truth be told we were too far up to see its climate. I just hoped if I could reach its surface then perhaps, I could find someone to help me.

"drink" was all the response I got, I rolled my eyes and took the glass, the trooper b-lined for the door. Today he couldn't get away quick enough.

I had been staring at the planet with fascination all morning, lots of ships had been disappearing down into its surface all morning and returning a few hours later. It was my main cause for distraction away from the dark thoughts that plagued my mind, thoughts about last night.

I still felt him inside me sometimes, when I closed my eyes for a moment and let the darkness in. I hated him, I hated him with such a passion, but I also couldn't deny, these thoughts weren't entirely unwelcome. I enjoyed it.

I finished the liquid with a sigh, I missed real food. Ben used to sneak me some of the pilots rations out of the canteen, they usually got more cake and sweets then everyone else because their job was so dangerous. I thought about the sweet flavour and delicate texture and my mouth began to water. I wondered if I would ever eat real food again.

"when you are with my child, I will prepare you a feast" Kylo rens voice knocked me out of my food dream and I abruptly turned to see him leaning against the door frame observing me.

"it's a little unnerving when you're constantly in my head"

"then stop thinking about me" he smirked, he knew that wasn't what I meant. I scowled at him and turned away, he didn't approach me as he started removing items on clothes, I was determined not to sneak a glance, not to give him the satisfaction.

Then I heard a Sharpe in take of breath and wince. These were sounds I was well familiar with, they were sounds of pain.

I turned to see he had lifted his shirt of over a raw and bloody section of skin. "what's wrong with you?"

"I was fighting down below" he commented also staring at the wound "blaster canon grazed me, it's nothing"

"well its bleeding so you should clean it before it gets infected" I tried to make my voice as impassive as possible, but it was in my nature to helped the injured, that is why I took up the post of a medic with the resistance.

"you do it" he commanded, I eyed him warily, he sighed "it's in a hard to reach spot, please clean it for me" he added more politely.

I wondered into the refresher and grabbed a clean town, he followed perching on the edge of the seat as I ran it under the tap as hot as I could make it. "ahh" he flinched as the towel touched the wound, "if you are rough with me, I will be rough with you" he threatened. I eased the pressure and began delicately dabbing the wound.

After a few moments he had gotten used to the stinging sensation the cloth was causing and I noticed started examining what I was doing. His eyes locked on to my face as if trying to read my expression, "where did you learn to heal people? The resistance?"

"no" I answered sharply. "there" I threw the cloth in the sink and turned to walk out of the room, but his hand caught my arm.

"don't make me starting digging around in that stubborn little head of yours again"

I sighed and conceded, I didn't want the pain of him trying to force his way into my mind again "the place where I was raised was kind of in the middle of nowhere, but lots of people passed through, sometimes they needed help so I did my best and learnt as I went eventually I got quite good at it"

"were there lots of battles on your home planet? "

"no" I admitted "mainly heat exhaustion and wild animal attacks"

He let my arm go as he ponded my answer and removed himself away from the sink. He led the way back into the bed room I observed now that the wound looked worse than it was, now all the blood was cleared I could tell it would heal in a matter of days. I had the uncanny ability to look at some injuries and see their cause.

It was a strange thing I had never told anyone about, but once I saw a soldier return from battle with a deep cut over his shoulder, another medic cleaned and dressed it but as he passed me on the way out, I saw the wound fester in my mind. I knew the blade that cut him was poisoned and he would be dead within a day. But i told myself it was crazy. He died within a day and I never questioned it again.

I had never told anyone about it because it wasn't something I could control, I didn't know lord astins son fate, even as he died under my labours to preserve his life, it only happened sometimes like as I saw kylo ren walk away, I knew it would heal well and leave no scars.

"So what are we supposed to do now?" I asked when he entered the main bedroom behind me. He gave me a quizzical look. "Am I supposed to ask how your day was or do we just spend the rest of our time together in pensive silence?"

I caught a glimpse of an amused smile cross Rens mouth "you can ask me how my day was if you wish"

"Would you answer if I did?" I enquired taking a seat in the chair I had pulled up to the window in order to comfortably gaze at the planet below.

"That would depend on what your intentions are in asking" he was now rummaging around looking for clean clothes, I noticed he didn't pull out comfy clothes so I guessed he was going out again when he had changed. I was both relieved and disappointed.

"I want to know what you're doing on the planet below" my admission made him stop in his tracks and look out of the window as well.

"Are you worried that we've found your precious resistances hiding place?"

"No, I'm positive if you had found them, you'd waste no time in blowing up the planet and making me watch" he chuckled at my answer. Neither of us needed to speak in order to affirm I was right.

I continued to watch tie fighters wiz back and forth, he continued assembling his clothes. "We think the planet may have strategic value, so we're invading, the locals are offering some resistance but it's nothing we cant handle"

His explanation made me involuntarily glance at his wounded chest. "What kind of strategic value?" I enquired, he sent me a stern glance by way of letting me know I was close to being impertinent. "Fine" I sighed "I was just curious"

"This is no place to be curious-" he winced, he was trying to get his shirt on now "help me with this" he instructed abruptly, I narrowed my eyes towards him and he hastily added "please"

I moved over to him and did my best to help him into the shirt without it touching his wound but also not looking at his chest, because I found when I looked there I found myself struggling to look away. I imagine he read my passing thoughts here as he smirked but he didn't make a comment.

"You must be used to just making a demand and having it followed blindly" I say when I had retaken my seat and he was thankfully fully clothed "your manners are abysmal"

He just grunted my way of response he was busy with his back to me attaching his cowl around his shoulders, I rolled my eyes and turned back to the window. "Roll those pretty little eyes at me again and I'll have them rolling back in pleasure before you know it" he threatened

"Stay out of my head" I responded with gritted teeth.

"You are my prisoner catri I can be in your head all day if I please" his now gloved hands fastened on my shoulders, "I will be back in a few hours after I have met with my generals" his voice spoke lowely into ear "and then we shall endeavour to succeed in the task i have assigned you"

A shiver ran through me as he said it. I sat as still as a stone until I heard the door close behind me at which pointed I stood up and began pacing back and forth, I dreaded him coming back but not as much as I scorned myself for entertaining even an inkling of excitement about the event that would follow his return.

I had to get to that planet I thought. But how? What were my means? I looked about me. I had no means.

I looked to the door, the panel by its side read 'locked' as it had for days. Maybe one day he'll get sloppy and leave it open. I hoped he would.

I wasn't pacing the room for long when the door opened. I immediately spun around to face the visitor; it wasn't ren.

"General hux?"


	8. Chapter 8

I stared at the general for a moment, he looked uneasy. Unhinged even. I had seen his temper before but now he looked positively livid.

"I thought Kylo ren was in a meeting with you and the other generals?" I enquired when he didn't say anything.

"No, Ren" I noted how he said the name with such contempt "thought my presence was not necessary for this particular meeting"

I had discovered the cause of his current distain; he clearly wasn't a fan of Kylo Rens leadership. "So why have you come here?"

"I know what he has planned for you" his admission shocked me, "I cannot let him create a legacy with you"

I backed away from the general as he entered the room further. He saw my trepidation "fear not, I can't kill you while you're under his protection without risking my own life"

Though I'm sure he meant the words in comfort they did not make me feel any easier "I can however give you this" he pulled a small vile from him pocket. It was filled with a grey liquid.

" what is it?" I asked eying the bottle warily.

"It will give you a choice" I looked at the general quizzically, he was being very cryptic "I know you are good at concealing your deepest thoughts and memories from him so I know he will not find out"

"What is it?" I asked again more boldly this time.

He held the bottle out for me to take but I was hesitant "if you drink this you will never be able to bare him a child, rest assured it will not hurt you in anyway"

My hand grasped the bottle almost without thinking, I stared down at the liquid, examining it as if it were made of gold. "You will not force me to consume it?" I looked back at Hux who's expression had softened somewhat.

"No" he stated "this is your choice to make. But choose what's best for the galaxy and drink it"

Just like that he left the room. I clutched the bottle so tight my firsts turned white.

I had never really thought about having children. I guess I was at the age where having children wasn't really something I needed to think about. Even when I thought about the child, I was supposed to produce for Kylo ren I had always thought of it as his child, not mine. But now I thought about it, really explored the idea in my mind, I realised that one day I should like to have children.

I felt the familiar prickle of tears touch my cheek as I looked down at the bottle. I suppose in passing day dreams I had imagined having a family, with Ben. The name caused the tears to trickle more intensely.

Bennar, my mind lingered on the recollection of his face. In a short, insignificant second, my choice was made. As once again I was reminded that Kylo ren was a murderer, and I could not bear his child, he may talk with me like a philosopher and allow me to see his face but he is a monster, I couldn't let myself forget that. For bens memory I had to do this. Even if it meant sacrificing any family I could have had in the future.

The bottle unscrewed easily. Too easily. I brought it to lip quivering lips in a second and in another second it was empty.

Hux was right, I didn't feel anything. I had imagined it to be painful at least, but it wasn't, there was a moment about twenty minutes later when my stomach pinched, I presumed that was the sign that the draft had done its work. But it wasn't painful.

I washed the bottle immediately after consuming its contents, should ren find it now he would have no idea of what its former contents was. Then with a deep breath I forced myself to lock the last half an hour in the vault of my mind. Determined he would never find my betrayal there.

I washed my face removing any signs of my tears in case he should ask why I was crying and resumed the monotonous activity of watching tie fighters enter in and out of the mysterious planet's atmosphere.

It felt like a fleeting second had passed before Kylo ren entered the room once more. I had hidden the bottle in the bottom of a draw determined I would get rid of it somehow before he could find it.

I didn't want to admit that I was slightly disappointed when he didn't immediately accost me, I was expecting him to get straight down to business. Instead he handed me a package. I took the parcel in confusion.

"Open it" his mechanical voice rang; I followed the order. It was clothes, nicer ones then the dress they had provided me before. Though these were still black they were more comfortable and practical. More me. "I had them made so you can stop stealing my clothes" he explained.

"Thank you" I said as I looked down at the fabrics, it was almost kind of thoughtful.

"I also realise that you must be getting bored in here" he looked round the room. It was strange to hear almost caring words emitted from the voice distorting words, why didn't he take it off? That was usually the first thing he did when he entered the room. "So, get changed and I will escort you to get some food" he ordered.

I clutched the parcel to my chest and made to move for the refresher but his muscular arm halted me "why do you still wish to hide your body from me?"

I opened my mouth to respond but closed it again and blushed, I didn't know why it was still my instinct to hide from him, he had seen it all now. So, I picked out some clothes and changed, he didn't really watch but I occasionally felt his gaze linger on me through the mask.

He led me to the door and punched in the code that opened it. I couldn't see the combination to my dismay. Still I was looking forward to seeing somewhere else and eating real food not just green slush.

Ren didn't say anything as we manoeuvre around the massive ship. The canteen was a large grey space with long tables lined with benches. There were only a few people in there when we arrived, at seeing ren they all lowered their gaze and ceased conversation, clearly intimidated by his presence. I imagine the supreme leader doesn't eat amongst the soldiers very often.

"Sit here" he shoved me on to a bench in a corner and gestured to one of the catering staff who busied themselves filling a tray with what can only be described as slop.

"Will you not sit with me?" I enquire after the tray was placed in front of me.

He folded his arms and didn't even turn in my direction when he answered abruptly "no"

I hid a smirk; he was worried about what the men would think if he was seen to be friendly to a prisoner.

I ate the slop and I was grateful for it because it was still better than the green slime that had sustained me for so many days now. I occasionally looked round and saw soldier stealing a glimpse at me only to quickly turn away when the noticed me looking back.

"Are you finished?" Ren said immediately after I ate the last bite. He didn't wait for a response when he grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bench and out of the canteen.

"Can we slow down" I panted trying to keep up with the pace at which he was pulling me along "I've just eaten actual food for the first time in days its sitting heavy on my stomach so I'm a bit slower than usual"

"No" he responded quickly again void of any emotion.

I rolled my eyes and tried to quicken my feet "what did I say about rolling your eyes at me?" His voice was harsh but suggestive,

"Sorry" I lowered my gaze and we walked the rest of the way in silence.

We arrived back in the room in no time. He immediately removed his mask, his face wasn't angry or harsh, nor was it caring or inquisitive, it was just kind of neutral.

"What is your problem?" I demanded "one minute your being kind and offering me a break from this damned room the next you being blunt and can't get back here quick enough"

He raised a brow, I don't know if it was an angry brow or fascinated one, someone in my position wouldn't usually confront there capture so full on. But I was tired of his mood swings, I would have like to have sat for a little longer in the canteen.

He didn't respond which infuriated me further. He didn't understand what I had given up today, he didn't understand how right now the smallest nice gesture made me feel less worthless, less pointless.

"What you don't want to talk now?" My words were lined with venom, "you don't want to get angry? Isn't that what you usually do when things don't go your way? Smash things up? Kill people?" I ranted, it felt good to rant, as sudden as his mood had changed so had mine.

Silently he bid away his cowl it fell to the floor I watch the fabric gather below him. It was in that moment I realized that a silent Kylo ren is more fearsome then an enraged one. He was watching, calculating, he was gathering all of the information about my temper he needed.

"Have you got nothing to say to that?" I stared up at him, squaring up to his considerable high as best I could with my short stature.

He opened his mouth and the words flowed simply, there was no rage behind them or hatred, in fact there was enjoyment and anticipation in his eyes.

"On. Your. Knees."

His hands pushed me in to the desired position, one of them patted my head as if I were a pet. "Your irresistible when your angry" he said, I was staring straight at his crotch the fabric of his trousers was tighter there as I could see the outline of my undoing. "But let's get one thing very clear" his tender touch on my head turned into a painful one as he grabbed a fist full of my hair. I struggled against it but he held me still. "You have no right to address me in such a way, I am your leader and master now, you are still living at my leisure so I will do with you and treat you however I please" with his free hand he began opening his trousers and pulling them aside so his fully erect cock sprang free.

"When I say sleep you sleep, when I say it's time to leave you leave and when I say eat you eat. Now. Eat" I gasped as he pushed my head forward and he moaned as his cock went deep into my throat. "Do we have an understanding" he looked down at me triumphantly as he was still filling my mouth completely.

I did my best to affirm with a slight nod because I couldn't talk. "Good" his grip on my hair loosened "now I say stop he continued to my head back and forth. He seemed to be enjoying it as when I looked up his eyes were closed and his head tilting to the ceiling had no doubt as I continued to pleasure him that this encounter would end with me on that bed, I consoled myself that even though I was submitting now, today I had committed the ultimate act of defiance and he even know.

As I suspected after longer then I was comfortable with he released my head and stumbled back on to the floor gasping for breath. "Remove your clothes and lie over there" he instructed pointing to the middle of the floor.

"Not the bed?" I enquired, he shot me a warning look, I shouldn't be questioning him. I got to my feet and did as instructed. I noticed as I lay bare skinned on the cold floor that he had put his penis away. Which again confused me, what did he have planned?

He removed his tunic but his trousers and boots remained, his image of his staring down at me with his hungry eyes was an intimidating one. I clenched my thighs together almost to remind myself to not enjoy it. "See how much easier this is? Let me make all of your choices, that way you are free, all you have to do is please me. Devote yourself to me. Can you do that?"

I shook my head because I couldn't find words in that moment. He sighed, "I know difficult to relinquish control, but you will I promise"

He raised a hand over me and it came on so suddenly I struggled to breath, the sensation of the force working its way into me through my most intimate parts, it was like no pleasure I had ever felt before. My back arched and, my mouth made moans of pleasure against my commands. It just felt so good. Not like when he was trying to get into my head, then it felt like the force was trying to pull my brain out of my head.

This was warming and pulsing, it was like the ecstasy off coming except it stop, it was constant and consuming.

Then suddenly his hand lowered, it stopped. I panted at looked at him in a hopeless dismay. "W-why did you-" my mouth could barely form the words

"Do you want me to continue to make you feel that good?" He crossed his arms over his broad bare chest, I nodded quickly, "then beg"

"What!" I shot up straight and turned to him, he wanted me to beg? But I wouldn't beg, I couldn't, that would be giving in to him truly. I wanted to beg though, I wanted to feel like that again.

"You heard me" he knelt down to my level and brought a finger to my chin so I looked him in the eyes "beg your supreme leader to take you"

My mouth opened but closed again "I can see the conflict in your eyes catri, do this for me and let go of your rebellion, it will feel so good I promise"

"Why?" I finally managed "you need to me submit when I am so wholly in your grasp" even now the warm wet sensation he had caused was starting to diminish, I ignored it. I would not pay the price to feel it again even if I wanted to.

"I own your body catri, but it is your mind that has always fascinate me, to own that would be far more rewarding then forcing myself on to you every night"

I couldn't think off any response to this "just devote yourself to me, you will be my best servant. Can't you see that? I will love you and cherish you in every way you want"

He had said something akin to this before. I recalled my answer then 'you wouldn't love me, just love what you've made me into' I had responded, I was no longer strong enough so reutter those words. Instead I just continued to look into his pleading eyes.

"Very well" he said when he finally straightened up, his features became sterner now and less impassioned "get on the bed tonight I will take you without your submission, but don't expect to enjoy it" his voice had turned harsh again and his gaze indifferent.


End file.
